One-Sided Polyamory: What It Means and How to Handle It

One-sided polyamory happens when one person in a couple is open to multiple romantic or sexual partners while the other prefers monogamy. It can feel unfair or confusing.

For example, in some open marriages one spouse pursues outside relationships (perhaps to explore new feelings), while the other partner does not have that freedom. If only one partner has an “open” status, the other can feel left out or resentful.

Experts emphasize careful communication in this situation. According to Psychology Today, having a “one-sided” multiple-partner relationship usually means one person is essentially cheating or the other has agreed to it but not vice versa. In other words, one person is free to date others and the other is not. This article explores what one-sided polyamory means, the challenges it brings, and how couples can navigate it.

What Is One-Sided Polyamory?

Polyamory is when people have multiple loving relationships with everyone’s consent. One-sided polyamory breaks this ideal by favoring one partner’s desires. It occurs when one person wants or has multiple partners and the other person stays strictly monogamous. Often this wasn’t in the original agreement, or it became a special rule one partner insisted on.

Many view one-sided arrangements as a warning sign. In polyamory communities, experts call it a “red flag” if the setup clearly benefits one person. For example, a known double-standard is the “One Penis Policy,” where a straight man lets his partner date other women but forbids her from dating men – even though he can date freely himself. These unfair rules show why mutual consent and fairness are crucial. Healthy polyamory requires honesty and equality; without those, trouble often follows.

Why One-Sided Polyamory Can Be Problematic

Even if both partners agreed at first, one-sided polyamory can lead to problems. The monogamous partner may feel hurt, confused, or jealous, wondering why only the other person gets extra freedom. That imbalance often breeds insecurity. As The Guardian reports, jealousy can become overwhelming in these cases – one relationship expert joked that non-monogamous love is “like the Olympics of relationships,” and when “jealousy and insecurity smacks someone in the face, they could run for the hills.”

Unequal power and resentment also build up. If one person feels used or less valued, the relationship suffers. Advice columnist Dan Savage points out that agreeing to a one-sided open relationship is not the same as consenting to true polyamory; if you didn’t agree to the imbalance, it isn’t fair to force it. Over time, these unresolved issues hurt trust and intimacy. Therapists note that using polyamory as a loophole to satisfy only one person’s needs can be emotionally damaging. In short, one-sided polyamory often amplifies problems like lack of communication or trust in a partnership.

Signs and Challenges of One-Sided Polyamory

Watch for these common signs:

• Imbalanced Rules: Only one partner has permission to date others, while the other stays monogamous. This feels very one-sided and unfair.
• Chronic Jealousy: The monogamous partner often feels jealous or resentful. If one person constantly worries about the other’s new partners, it’s a warning sign.
• Communication Gaps: One partner may say they’re fine with the arrangement but not really mean it. If discussions about feelings are avoided, the non-dating partner can feel ignored or invalidated.
• Double Standards: When one partner enforces rules that only benefit themselves (like allowing only their partner to date others), it breeds frustration.
• Secrecy or Discomfort: The non-dating partner might suspect their mate is hiding other relationships, or they might feel anxious just thinking about it.

Healthy non-monogamous relationships rely on trust and respect. If one person routinely feels unhappy or unsafe speaking up, the one-sided setup is likely the cause.

How to Address One-Sided Polyamory

If you find yourself in a one-sided situation, open communication and empathy are key. Here are some strategies:

• Talk Honestly: Both partners should share their true feelings. The monogamous partner can explain what hurts them, and the dating partner can explain why they need more freedom. Listening without judgment is crucial.
• Set Fair Boundaries: Re-negotiate rules together. Maybe allow both partners some personal freedom, or agree on limits (like how often one partner can date). Ensure both people have a say so the rules don’t feel one-sided.
• Seek Compromise: Perhaps slow down the pace of outside relationships. The partner enjoying polyamory might meet fewer people for now, giving the other partner time to adjust.
• Consider Help: A therapist or counselor experienced with non-monogamous relationships can guide these conversations. Counseling can help address deeper feelings of insecurity or imbalance.
• Reassess the Agreement: If one-sided polyamory continues to cause pain, consider changing the rules. It’s okay to pause or close that part of the relationship to protect the partnership. Many couples decide to return to monogamy or find a more balanced model when one-sided dynamics prove too hard.

The key is mutual respect and consent. Both partners’ needs are valid. Fairness and honesty should be the foundation of any relationship, whether monogamous or polyamorous.

Conclusion

One-sided polyamory – where one partner has multiple connections and the other remains monogamous – can be very challenging. It often leads to jealousy, resentment, and feelings of inequality unless both people truly agree to the terms. Experts emphasize that ethical non-monogamy only works when everyone involved consents and feels respected. The best approach is honest, ongoing communication and fairness. If a one-sided arrangement isn’t working, couples may need to adjust the rules or return to a model that makes both people happy.

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